Building Stable Attachments

A favorite memory from my childhood is racing to a closet under the stairs, at my grandparents’ house, where treasure awaited.  The treasure was a bin of white plastic building blocks that belonged to my father and his siblings. Think Legos before Legos came to the United States.  While the shapes and sizes weren’t as varied, and the only color was white, the concept was the same, and the building blocks were every bit as entertaining because they were unique.  Recently, while reading an article on attachment, these blocks came into my mind.  

Much like building with blocks, where you first create a foundation for your masterpiece, our early childhood experiences lay the foundation for how we form attachments. How we respond within relationships as adults when hurt, separation from loved ones, or perceiving a threat mirrors the patterns we learned as children.

Is our foundation secure?  Were our foundations built with blocks doubled at the base with each row alternating direction and connection?  If our childhood attachments were secure, then our adult attachments are more likely to be secure.  When early attachments are secure then we are apt to find it pretty easy to get close to others.  We’re comfortable depending on them and comfortable having them depend on us.  We don’t worry about being abandoned or having someone get too close.

Is our foundation a little weak?  As any block builder will attest, when a foundation is built with a single row of blocks laid end-to-end with the next row alternately connecting two bottom blocks, the building probably won’t survive the “wag test.”  The wag test is typically performed at random intervals by the family dog.  While this method is relatively secure, its lack of structural sturdiness is prone to breaks.  Similarly, those with fragile relationship foundations are often relatively uncomfortable getting close to others and find it difficult to trust or depend completely.  The lack of security can even cause anxiety and nervousness if a relationship begins getting too close. 

And finally, as I like to call it in the building block trade, is the errant foundation (usually built by the most novice of artisans).  These foundations are typically built with big gaps, and the blocks may not even be clicked properly into place.  The wag test would likely just leave remnants strewn about the floor.  Comparably, if in childhood secure attachments were not available or modeled, it’s likely in adulthood that we would be reluctant to get close to anyone - even if we’d like to.  We would often experience doubt that our partner even really loves us or wants to stay in a relationship with us.  The reluctance and doubt will serve to sabotage relationships.  

The best thing about toy building blocks is that we can begin our building again and again. Each time including improvements until we’ve built a structure to stand the test of the dog’s wag or even a sibling, until we are ready to clean-up and go home.  Life, while certainly more dynamic, is similar.  While our foundation for relational attachments was formed at an early age, it doesn’t mean that we cannot work to analyze and rebuild the base blocks.  As human beings, we are able to pull apart our own structures and rebuild them to be more sound.  With therapy, we are able to inspect our original foundation and work to rebuild.  Some foundations will take longer to inspect and repair than others.  Yet most important, is that repairs can be made!  And unlike the blocks I had to clean-up and put-away in my youth, our personal repairs can be continually fortified and used in day-to-day life.  The blocks exist, we just have to work diligently to put them together in a manner that will enhance our current and future attachments.

Jeff Grossman offers individual and group therapy in Nashville & Brentwood, Tennessee.