Taking the "Versus" Out of Emotions

So much of life is sorted into categories. Healthy vs. unhealthy. Good vs. bad. Villain vs. hero or heroine. However, when it comes to emotions, there needs to be an ideological shift.  Labeling emotions as either good or bad simply doesn’t work. Feelings just are.  The very essence of what makes us human is our ability to feel hurt, happiness, lonely, relief, shame, sadness, joy, anger, calm, and so on.

The issue with putting emotions into the categories, say positive vs. negative for example, is that we tend to want to tightly embrace the positive and push-aside or even bury the negative.  Feelings, all feelings, are helpful. Feelings inform our reality and let us know what we need.  They are part of the human experience, part of what makes life personal and significant.  Further, feelings are a fundamental element of nearly all memories.  Accepting our emotions allows us to deal with the world as it is, and not as an idealized, unsustainable version of what we wished the world was. 

Think of a volcano. Much of the time volcanoes are dormant, austere and beautiful in their own right.  At some point, the holding down of the magma is too much and the volcano erupts.  Emotions are similar. If we keep pushing what we see as negative emotions down, at some point we’ll erupt (it is a trustworthy saying that feelings at some point have to go somewhere). Conversely, if we allow ourselves to feel, we are better equipped to experience life fluidly, communicate our internal experience, and avoid ‘volcanic’ damage in our relationships. 

Talking about emotions brings to mind the saying, “You can’t choose your family.” Well, the same can be said for emotions. You can’t choose them, so it often proves more fruitful to acknowledge and accept them.  Emotions are an important device we can use to guide us through a situation or event.  Acknowledging and accepting our emotions allows us know what we feel and thereby challenge the cause and effect of our resulting actions.

In a most basic sense, no one really likes to feel scared. (I’m excluding being scared as a form of entertainment such as watching a scary movie or TV show.) Yet, allowing yourself to feel scared is important. Feeling scared warns us of potential danger. For example, a friend of mine walks her dogs every evening after dinner. One evening she thought to change up her routine and walk a different route. However, as the walk steadily moved on, my friend began to feel scared. It was the time of year when daylight is at a premium so dusk was early. As she walked this unfamiliar route something just didn’t seem right. Rather than burying that feeling and soldiering on, she recognized the feeling of fear and lent credence to her intuition (unfamiliar path, getting dark, etc.). Based on allowing herself to feel scared, she reversed course and got home safely with daylight remaining.

So, when it comes to feelings don’t categorize them. Discard the desire to label them ‘good or bad,’ ‘positive or negative.’ Take the “versus” out of emotions and just let them be as they are. Acknowledging feelings guides our actions which builds a framework for a more thoughtful and desired outcome. 

Jeff Grossman offers individual and group therapy in Nashville & Brentwood, Tennessee.